The door to happiness opens from the inside..

Finding out who you really are as a person can take quite sometime, and infact it can take longer for others and that includes me. Earlier this year I turned 20 years old, I'm aware that I am still very young but honestly after 20 years I can just about say that I am finally figuring out who I really am as a person. I get that sounds a little bit insane, but I will finally put my hand up and admit that for a massive chunk of my 20 years on this Earth that I tried to be someone that I realistically was never going to be which led to me being the most un happy girl on this earth, and to be honest 4-5 years of my teens were a blur. On the outside was the shell of Caoimhe Hickey but in the inside I was a totally different person.

Some of you are still probably reading this and thinking to yourself "What on earth is this one on about?" but don't give up on me just yet, continue to read down throughout this post and it will hopefully make sense by the end, that is if I don't get sidetracked in the mean time. So going back to the point of living two lives, Don't worry I'm not Miley Cyrus the second, What I mean is that on the outside is that I came across extremely confident, happy and content with every aspect of my life and yes, you could say that but to an extent. I had absolutely everything that I needed in life, a loving family, a roof over my head, food on the table and most importantly I had the ability to walk, talk, hear and see as I pleased, so I really wasn't lying when I said I had everything ,was I? On top of all those necessities my Mam and Dad always went above and beyond on our birthdays and Christmas to make it as special as possible and looking back over the years it's only now I'm starting to realise the sacrifices that they both made for me and my siblings.Now don't get me wrong I had the dream childhood, and that is all down to my parents who as I said went above and beyond for us but this hatred towards myself really began in my early teens

Bearing all that in mind, I should feel exactly how I said I was on the outside right? Confident, happy and content with every aspect of life.... but the answer is 100% the opposite but why is that? Well the answer is pretty simple I was missing possibly the most important thing I needed to get by in life and that was Self worth. I know hate is a strong word but when I say it I literally mean I HATED myself, and every single thing about myself! To the extent that everything I had, I wanted the total opposite of it and yes I do get that its the same with all of us, we all want what we can't have but for me it was to an un natural extent but do you really want to know what the main culprit of the hatred was?..... My weight- I mean I was obsessed with wanting to be skinny. Mam - I know you're reading this and I've finally admitted it. I lived in a world where I honestly thought that being skinny was the be all and end all.  Each and every one of my friends were size 8 maximum and I'm not gonna lie I was wearing a size 18 and 20 up until 2 years ago. The pressure I put on myself and my body was un natural. There were days I starved myself in hope that Id loose weight- but how wrong was I.

You're probably still trying to figure out what is the point in the post? but here it comes. If I could back to my 14 year old self and have a chat with her it would go as follows:

"Dear 14 year old Caoimhe,

What is the one thing that bothers you most in life Caoimhe? - I'm sure the reply I would get is "Im Fat". So out of everything that is the one thing that sticks out as the most important thing that bothers you? listen to yourself, there are innocent people passing away who would kill to carry a bit of weight so that they could stay a chance of their body fighting an illness and you are punishing your body in the hope to loose weight, when infact you are doing more harm to yourself, your body and your mind? You are 14 the age where the biggest worry should be what your going to wear to the next disco or who's house your going to for the next sleepover, not how are you going to become size 8 just to fit in with everyone else? You will learn so much over the coming years believe me by the age of 20 you will be the most content that you have ever been with your life, your happiness will resume to exactly what it was like during your childhood and why is that? Because over the years you will loose friends, you will gain friends, and most importantly you will figure out who your true friends are, you will have  plenty ups and downs- but guess what? there  will be so many more ups to make up for all those times that things didn't go as planned, not alone all that you will meet a boy who will love you for exactly who you are as a person and not for what you look like but will simply just Love you because you are simply just YOU as you are and will change your life, you will have over come a pile of health problems but you will come out the other side still fighting, you will have a family who will support you no matter what you do in life, how amazing is it to know that out of everything in the world no matter what you will have 4 people who will catch you when you fall and yes that 4 people includes your amazing sister Leanne, who will be your biggest role model and someone that you will forever look up to and not forgetting Keelan the one who will teach you that talent has no limits and relistically he has a heart of gold behind his manly appearance.Most importantly and above all can I leave you in to a massive secret Caoimhe one that is possibly going to change your life forever, This doesn't happen over night it takes time,patcience, hope and preserverance. How would you feel if I was to tell you that once you finish up school and enter the real world that everything would be ok and your life is going to be completely different for all the right reasons and guess why? because you will have learned to stop WORRYING about every single little thing and you will actually start to live your life, and let me tell you why you will start to live your life.. You will realise that you were trying to be the polar opposite to who Caoimhe Hickey really is, you were trying to fit in with people who relistcially you will never fit in and more importantly you will finally start to value yourself, and accept that after all you are you for a reason,  those stretch marks that cover your body, those scars, those freckles and that ginger tinge that comes through your hair every so often are all things that make you who you are. If you didn't have them you wouldn't be you. What will happen when you finally stop worrying 5 years later you ask? Well thats the interesting part your life will completely change for the better, your group of friends might have gotten smaller but you know that no matter what they will have your back, you will achieve things that you will have never imagined you could achieve, your weight will slowly start to fall into place but that is irrelevant because the main thing is you will be HAPPY and let me tell you that is all that matters, once you are happy and healthy that is all that matters, so give it time, don't be so harsh on yourself, "life is like a rollercoaster. Sometimes you close your eyes and hold on in shear terror & other times you just have to raise your hands up in the air and enjoy the ride" You'll get their believe me.

Love 20 Year Old Caoimhe x"

I hope that this post will reach at least one teenager who can relate to this post before you end up wasting 4 or 5 years of possibly the best years of your life being unhappy in yourself.  Unfortunately Happiness is a choice, not a result. Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy. Your happiness will not come to you. It can only come from you. I regret so much but that is why I am so determined to be successful to make up for what I missed out on over the past few years. I honestly say it over and over again but the minute I started to accept myself for who I am is the exact moment that my life began to change for the better and everything slowly but surely started to fall into place. If I can turn my life around then believe me so can you, some of you probably would have never thought that I would have ever been so unhappy but believe me a smile can hide so much. Although I promise you that when you see my smiling now, its 100% a smile that shows honestly how happy I am, and I suppose how much I love my teeth hahaha. 

I could honestly keep typing for the rest of the night on this topic, I absolutely love writing personal posts as I can pump 110% into them as it purely comes from the bottom of my heart. Id love to know if you would like to see some more personal posts in the future. Thank You so much for taking the time to read my posts. I hope you enjoyed reading it. Please leave your feedback in the comments. 

Until Next Time.

Much Love,

Caoimhe ( The 20 Year old Happy One) x